Good morning!
I’ve been reading portions of a
sort of diary that was written by my friend Karl Detweiler, a man my age who
I’ve been friends with since childhood, and was my best friend in high
school. His mom and dad were a sort of
second set of parents for me.
Karl passed away several years ago
due to a fast-growing, lethal cancer.
With treatment, he managed to live almost a year from the diagnosis, and
during that time wrote extensively of his thoughts, feelings, and circumstance
on his Facebook page. On his passing, I
took all of his posts from the time of his diagnosis to after the funeral,
including some written by others, and compiled them into a booklet. I’ve been reading in portions of that booklet
recently.
One of the things I’ve been
thinking of during this time is what it must be like to not have one’s spouse
any longer. Now, I’ve thought about this
before now, but with the reading of some of Karl’s writing, I’ve sort of
renewed those thoughts.
In my thoughts, I imagine myself
in the place and circumstance that I’m in at that time, such as out in the back
yard, or driving somewhere. I imagine
what my thoughts and feelings might be if I knew Pat was no longer alive. One of those times might be when I leave the
house to run an errand, and she’s still there at the house. While on my way, I imagine what I would be
doing and how I would be feeling if I knew she was no longer with me. Now, you may think this is a little weird,
and I must be somewhat strange, but if you’re anywhere near older age, with a
spouse, my guess is you’ve also thought about this from time to time.
In those times when I’m running
this scenario, I inevitably begin to feel, well, let me just use a few words
here to describe it. Gloomy. Heavy-hearted. Melancholy.
Empty. No energy. Loss of desire.
OK, does that give you an idea of
how I begin to feel?
Let me tell you…I can’t imagine
how it must be to have lost a life partner.
Nor can I imagine how it must feel to have a marriage break apart,
regardless of who was at fault. No scenario
that I can imagine regarding Pat no longer being with me can fully comprehend
the emotions and the aftermath of the reality of such an event.
There may also be people in
friendship relationships who suffer in the same way when that relationship goes
away for whatever reason. These
friendships would be those close, extraordinarily personal relationships where
two individuals become soulmate friends…then for whatever reason, the
friendship dissolves.
After 50 years, my wife and I may
not say 8 words to each other all evening following dinner and the clean-up of
the dishes. We may not say much more
before that. But there is a certain
comfort and feeling of well-being just knowing she’s sitting in her chair with
me in the family room watching TV with me, reading, doing crossword puzzles, or
whatever else she may be doing.
There have been times in her
career when she had to be gone overnight or over several nights. And you know, it just wasn’t the same. Something was missing, more than just the
fact that she wasn’t there. It was
actually a kind of an eerie feeling at times, knowing I’d be the only one in
the house.
I am extraordinarily grateful that
the two of us have been able to share these last fifty years together. Obviously, it hasn’t all been rainbows and
unicorns. We’ve had our share of
disagreements. We’ve had to move more
often than many in the last half-century.
And our families have endured those things that many families have had
to endure.
Sometimes, I’ll do another bit of
imagining. I’ll imagine that life for me
somehow had taken a different turn and I was married to a different
woman…someone I know. And invariably,
I’ll quickly return to the safety and security of marriage to Pat. And often, I’ll tell her of my imagining, and
say something like, “I could probably live with that woman for about 20
minutes…then I’d be done.”
Somehow, some way, we were put
together by someone who knew…who knew how this would be…who knew how we fit
together. And I’m forever grateful.
Blessings,
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