Today on social media, I saw a post from a friend of mine,
Michelle, who is caring for her elderly father, who has dementia. She said today that for the first time ever,
her father didn’t recognize her when she came into his room. Here’s her posted comment. “The day when your dad wakes up and
DOESN'T remember who you are has to be the WORST day ever!!! I'm over here completely heart broken, all by
myself, trying to figure out what my next move is...” I’ve texted Michelle asking if she would like
some company, but haven’t yet received a response.
If she would ask me to come, I would have no clue what I would
say. I suspect that I would do a lot of
listening, and ask a few questions here and there, because there really aren’t
any answers to Michelle’s situation. As
his caregiver, she has a lot of thinking to do about how things are right now
regarding her dad’s care, and what needs to happen in the near future. She’ll need to contact people, organizations,
and care places. She’ll need to make
financial arrangements. She’ll have to
fill out endless forms for both medical and custodial care. Then there are the legalities of whatever
resources her dad may have…how those should be used, and who should make those
decisions.
On top of that, there are family concerns. I don’t know if Michelle has siblings or other
family members, but if so, they need to be, or will want to be in on the
goings-on with her dad. Sometimes
families are already fractured…not speaking to one-another or holding
grudges. And these kind of events tend
to exacerbate those issues, piling stress upon stress for not only Michelle,
but other family members as well.
The other thing Michelle needs to do is care for
herself. She needs to remain healthy, nourish
herself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. She can’t make these decisions and care for
anyone else if she herself is not in good condition. She also has her own daily concerns…paying
the bills, keeping herself in the loop of things, and maintaining her
household. It isn’t easy being a
caregiver.
I say all of that to say this. If you become aware of a friend going through
a situation such as this, it’s fine to say, “Call me if you need something.” However, it’s much, much better to just do
something. Ask if you can visit them or
take them away from the situation for an hour or so for coffee or lunch…and
just listen. Volunteer to clean the
kitchen, bath, or the whole house. Take
their car to the QuickTrip and put in a tank of gas. Oh, and check their oil and tires while you’re
there. Volunteer to run to the pharmacy
for medication if needed. I won’t go
through a big list of things you might be able to do…you get the point. Listening to them as you eat lunch with them
will usually give you all of the ideas for service you’ll need.
Oh, and one other thing.
Talking about your own experiences caring for elderly parents usually
isn’t much help. Re-telling horror
stories of poor care at the hospital or being snagged in a mountain of
paperwork isn’t productive. So don’t go
into the “here’s my story” mode. They
don’t want to listen to you at that time…they want you to listen to them.
It also isn’t very productive to offer unsolicited advice. They may well have already been in contact
with long term care facilities, home health agencies, and other services. If they ask you for ideas, go ahead. Otherwise, such advice usually isn’t needed
or wanted.
In short, be thoughtful when interacting with a friend or
loved one who is going through some kind of life situation…either for
themselves or for someone else.
Stop. Think. Speak little.
Listen much. Serve…not lip
service, but perspiration service.
Blessings
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