Absolutely Safe

 As you may know, I follow a woman on social media in Washington State who goes by Farmer Girl.  She posts often about her work and about her faith.  In a recent post, Farmer Girl asks this question:  If you could do absolutely anything you wanted, and you were guaranteed that you would be completely and absolutely safe, what would you do?  For many of us, the answer might be to sky dive, drive a race car, climb Mount Everest, or some other similar feat.  But, she says, for many women who would answer that question, their response would be that they would go for a walk.

Yes, they would go for a walk if they were somehow guaranteed complete safety.  Because being “out and about” for a woman generally is vastly different than for a man.  Farmer Girl goes on to explain further what many women have to mentally go through in order to be out and “on display,” so to speak.  Here’s what she says:

I don't think a lot of men realize how much mental math women do without even noticing anymore.  Who is behind me?  How long has that car been behind me?  Did they just make the same turn?  Okay, that's two turns.  Three.  Four.  Don't go home.  Where can I go instead?  Somewhere with people?   Cameras?  Law enforcement?  (When) the same vehicle has followed you through four different turns, you decide that no, we are absolutely NOT showing this stranger where we live tonight.

And it isn't just driving.  Park under the light.  Have your keys ready.  Look in the back seat.  Lock the doors when you get in.  Don't sit in the car staring at your phone.  Don't walk with both headphones in.  Notice who's behind you.  Notice the car that's been there too long.  Notice exits.  Notice when something feels off.  Eventually none of this even feels like taking safety precautions anymore.  It's just normal.  It's something women learn to do almost automatically, usually without announcing it and sometimes without even realizing how many little decisions they're making because of it.

This is Jay again.  I always knew that it was different, generally, for women than for men when going out in public.  But this post by Farmer Girl refreshed my thinking and gave me new appreciation for what many of us have to do to be safe in this (or any) society.

A similar thought process was brought to my mind just a couple of weeks ago when I visited our food pantry when it was open.  Usually, there are several women there along with a couple of men, but this time, only three women were working there.  We talked about the fact that they were a bit uneasy that day, and just felt more safe with a man around, not that they had been in any danger that day.  It was just that the women who worked there felt more comfortable dealing with whoever came to the door of the pantry if a man was present.

Some years ago, we were house parents at a home for girls and young women.  The relief house, where the girls went when we had our week off was staffed by a single woman.  Coming back to our home following our return to duty, one of the girls told me that she felt safer, as she said, “having a man in the house.”

Before we go any farther, you need to know that I am not in any way saying that this is a universal thing for all women.  Nor am I saying anything about any supposed superiority of males.  We can rail against sexism and our unsafe streets all we want, but the sad fact is that many women not only are taught from a young age on how to protect themselves, but actively practice it whenever they go out for any reason.  It is just a part of the DNA of many women to know and to practice this kind of safe movement in society.  And it’s a fact that it’s part of that same DNA for many women to generally feel more safe when a trusted man is in the vicinity.

I once was visiting with a female friend in my office who is a social worker.  She and I have for years, and still do coordinate with each other at times to provide some kind of help for a client of hers, or for someone who may come to the church for some kind of help.  My friend also had a long history of abuse by men in her life and background.

We were in my office visiting when she said something about not trusting men and being very careful to not unknowingly encourage an encounter or a relationship.  However, she and I had developed a good relationship such that we considered ourselves friends.

I asked her what was different about our relationship that allowed her to open up to me in ways that she would never have done with another man.  She simply said, “I feel safe with you.”  I must say that at the time, I didn’t quite understand even with that statement what made the difference.  And I’m not sure I do even now.  However, it is gratifying to me that I am able to, at least for a short time and in whatever way, allow her to let her guard down and just enjoy the friendship.

I confess I don’t fully “get it,” when thinking about this topic.  I only hope that I will continue to be someone who doesn’t make a woman any more nervous and stressed than she already is, and that I can at times help women relax a bit and find more enjoyment rather than having to constantly be on the lookout for some nefarious character who is out to do harm.

Farmer Girl also speaks of what it will be like in heaven for women to just be safe.  Here’s what she says.

I think heaven is going to feel different in a way we can't completely understand yet.  Of course there are a thousand bigger and more important things about being with God for eternity.  But I wonder sometimes what it will feel like to simply be safe.  Completely safe.  Not “I checked the locks” safe.  Not “someone knows where I am” safe.  Not “I have a plan if something happens” safe.  Not safe because I was careful enough.

Safe because there is nothing left to fear.

No looking over your shoulder.  No listening for footsteps.  No watching headlights in the mirror.  No calculating exits.  No wondering whether the person approaching you means you harm.  No little part of your brain quietly standing guard while the rest of you tries to enjoy the evening.

Just safe.